music is my ruler and my emotions follow it wildly. so in these moments where i feel lost and upset i try and listen to music that can make me cry so I can get it out of my system. But for a while i've listened to the same 5 songs on repeat aand i'm just at a point where I don't think there is a song sad enough for me or the way that I feel. i don't know how it's possible to change or revert or become someone who is just.. better. I feel alone and i feel like a piece of shit most of the time. i have no sense of self worth or believe that i deserve any. i am alone now, listening to "What of me" by tresspassers william and i feel still. i still haven't broken down. i have hit the bottom, i have gotten help but i have yet to have a breakthrough....i need my breakthrough. I've been trying so hard to be normal... i mingle, i flirt, and nothing..... i just kind of hate myself and want to disappear. i only stick it out because i love my family and friends and trust that i am worth it.. if they're telling me i am... tiny bit ... shred... of hope. but for the most part i just want to be invisiable.

And I Won't Be Without Similar Scars, I Know It's Okay, I'll Be Fine, Waiting For Anything To Turn Me On.

The Angel Opens Her Eyes

"and as for the clouds, just let them roll..."

I've received a ton of e:mails from people, some I know well and some I know next to nothing of. These people have reached out to me and have inspired me and made feel a little stronger than I have been feeling as of late. Sometimes, I really think when mankind makes me feel like there is no hope, there are people that walk into my life and really shake me up, and put me on my feet again. E:mails explaining that I am not alone and that they too have been where I am and that feeling this bad just means something really great is on the way and that *god (or the universe) is carrying me now because I am at my weakest. I think sometimes people see more in me than I see in myself, this has been a prevailing theme since I was young I never really noticed good or bad in me but people would always tell me they saw light from within me, that I was here for a reason and no one could ever put their finger on it, put their finger on me but they could feel it, and thank god they could because I couldn't... still can't. I guess what I'm trying to say is, without these people that notice I would probably be long gone. Doubt has consumed me entirely and the insecurities that have been etched into my mind by an ill-intended carver too often take a hold of me in every form. Today is a better day, everyday is a better day I just trip and fall sometimes, only to pick myself up or be picked up and be 10 steps ahead of where I was before I hit the ground. I am very thankful for everyone in my life and I am sending out positive vibrations that everyone will have the comfort I had last night/this morning when I felt I was at a loss and quite possibly the loneliest I'd ever been.. I just wish at our times of need there would always be people there to push you through, or at least hold your hand whilst you take it all in stride. Knowing you're not alone is really soothing/encouraging. Lets just all love and appreciate one another, doesn't matter who you are, or where you've been just that we're human and have feelings (pointing out the obvious, I realize but it's sad how few people actually keep that in mind), and we should support and be kind to everyone we come into contact with, and be gentle too. Lets open our ears and hearts and really take people in...

All my love, 

Ashley

OH! I almost forgot.... Happy Fourth!! I hope that everyone will be surrounded by people they love and care about and that for one night, any and all sorrows will be drowned with laughter and fireworks. 

Watch Me Fall.

The thing is, I am very largely misunderstood...

I write endlessly about why I am in pain and I'm tired of hashing it back up, even though it seldom subsides anyway. There are moments, in my life where I think this time I will be happy, and I am happy, I should be happy. But a lot of the time I just feel this overwhelming black cloud of sorrow. I am no debbie downer and I'm pretty good at hiding almost every emotion I feel, and apparently don't give myself enough credit for it because it is no small task to wake up dead everyday and lead the life of someone who is very much alive. I feel in many ways like I am on autopilot. I use to reside here, and I no longer do. I'm not sure where I've gone or when I will return but I'm hoping it's sooner rather than later because I honestly don't know how much more rejection, cruelty, judgements, and malicious attempts to hurt me I can take. I feel alone.all.the.time. Even when I'm not alone, I might as well be because no one in the time we live in actually LISTENS anyway, we all say, "How are you?" but none of us are really saying, HOW are YOU? A human to  human, a heart to  heart..... I am sad because I've lost hope in a lot of the things I use to have a lot of faith in. Love being one of them. Many figures throughout literature have died for/because of love and I sometimes feel like in some small or large way I am dying for that reason exactly. I've been murdered by love and yet it's all I crave on a day to day basis. I love (secretly) everyone that I meet, and everyone thats in my life even if I don't like them, I love them. I guess I just wish someone would see me, I wish that someone would tell me that I don't have to be so strong all the time. I wish that someone would make me feel okay about being lonely, sad, and ultimately really out of place. Every guy I meet I fall for. (and by every guy I meet I mean the 4 that have caught my eye and body) This isn't because I am desperate this is because I am in dire need of LOVE. I make up fairy tales in my head and too often make these men my prince charming when really they're far from. I bestow upon them characteristics that I've created or that I've seen a glimpse of in them, and have embellished because I hope, HOPE that THIS TIME, I will be saved. I want someone to rectify the hurt that has been burned into my heart, someone gentle and kind. Now I'm sure I sound like I am a pathetic girl who relies on others to make her feel adequate but if you knew the things I've gone through and am still reeling from I can promise you, you would not think I was a downer, or too heavy or too sad. You would want to help, and you would want to love me. 

I am a good person, I went to catholic school and did community service for fun. I rode horses and picked flowers and collected seashells. I have a large family that I would trade my life for, without a second thought. I have felt real love, and for this I am blessed because some people never do. I have cried myself to sleep more nights than you'd like to know. I think about everyone and everything at all hours of the day, I dream about people I know and they then come into my life again ... sometimes I think I'm psychic. I use to want to be married by 24 and have children by then too. I use to tell my boyfriend of the time that I would love him no matter what and that was the truth, the connection is the only thing that mattered to me and I would say that I'd give my life for him, to this day but I suppose figuratively  I already have. I was a nerd growing up, I climbed trees and didn't care if I was "pretty," because I didn't notice. I am still this person, deep down but I have been made to feel like that wasn't good enough, wasn't cool enough and wasn't worthy of much. So this person with a heart of gold went and hid in the depths of me and is now being steered by  character that deflects attention away from my soul. I have a certain amount of faith that I will find someone who will help me, "lick my wounds," and take the time to stitch me back together. 

I think usually people think I am dumb because I have trouble having conversations and I think before I get the chance to speak people have already judged me. This gives me anxiety, which I suffer from a great deal. You can always count on me to feel slightly out of place, even in my own skin. I'm usually really nervous around people, and hence the judgement that I am a bitch. Let me clear this one up, I am the most loving person if you get to know me. It doesn't take much for me to have your back no matter what. When I care about people I would do anything in my power to make sure they are happy and safe. Forming relationships is a very difficult task for me, I have a lot of trouble being open and I have a lot of trouble accurately translating the inside to the out. I hate that about myself, I want nothing more than for people to know me, and connect with me. 

This all just scrapes the top of the iceberg but at least you have some sort of clarity, if you wanted it.... If you want more, from me, or anyone just take a second to ask... how.. are... YOU?? and listen...

Eyes that do not cry, do not see.

I love you

Ashley