Watch Me Fall.

The thing is, I am very largely misunderstood...

I write endlessly about why I am in pain and I'm tired of hashing it back up, even though it seldom subsides anyway. There are moments, in my life where I think this time I will be happy, and I am happy, I should be happy. But a lot of the time I just feel this overwhelming black cloud of sorrow. I am no debbie downer and I'm pretty good at hiding almost every emotion I feel, and apparently don't give myself enough credit for it because it is no small task to wake up dead everyday and lead the life of someone who is very much alive. I feel in many ways like I am on autopilot. I use to reside here, and I no longer do. I'm not sure where I've gone or when I will return but I'm hoping it's sooner rather than later because I honestly don't know how much more rejection, cruelty, judgements, and malicious attempts to hurt me I can take. I feel alone.all.the.time. Even when I'm not alone, I might as well be because no one in the time we live in actually LISTENS anyway, we all say, "How are you?" but none of us are really saying, HOW are YOU? A human to  human, a heart to  heart..... I am sad because I've lost hope in a lot of the things I use to have a lot of faith in. Love being one of them. Many figures throughout literature have died for/because of love and I sometimes feel like in some small or large way I am dying for that reason exactly. I've been murdered by love and yet it's all I crave on a day to day basis. I love (secretly) everyone that I meet, and everyone thats in my life even if I don't like them, I love them. I guess I just wish someone would see me, I wish that someone would tell me that I don't have to be so strong all the time. I wish that someone would make me feel okay about being lonely, sad, and ultimately really out of place. Every guy I meet I fall for. (and by every guy I meet I mean the 4 that have caught my eye and body) This isn't because I am desperate this is because I am in dire need of LOVE. I make up fairy tales in my head and too often make these men my prince charming when really they're far from. I bestow upon them characteristics that I've created or that I've seen a glimpse of in them, and have embellished because I hope, HOPE that THIS TIME, I will be saved. I want someone to rectify the hurt that has been burned into my heart, someone gentle and kind. Now I'm sure I sound like I am a pathetic girl who relies on others to make her feel adequate but if you knew the things I've gone through and am still reeling from I can promise you, you would not think I was a downer, or too heavy or too sad. You would want to help, and you would want to love me. 

I am a good person, I went to catholic school and did community service for fun. I rode horses and picked flowers and collected seashells. I have a large family that I would trade my life for, without a second thought. I have felt real love, and for this I am blessed because some people never do. I have cried myself to sleep more nights than you'd like to know. I think about everyone and everything at all hours of the day, I dream about people I know and they then come into my life again ... sometimes I think I'm psychic. I use to want to be married by 24 and have children by then too. I use to tell my boyfriend of the time that I would love him no matter what and that was the truth, the connection is the only thing that mattered to me and I would say that I'd give my life for him, to this day but I suppose figuratively  I already have. I was a nerd growing up, I climbed trees and didn't care if I was "pretty," because I didn't notice. I am still this person, deep down but I have been made to feel like that wasn't good enough, wasn't cool enough and wasn't worthy of much. So this person with a heart of gold went and hid in the depths of me and is now being steered by  character that deflects attention away from my soul. I have a certain amount of faith that I will find someone who will help me, "lick my wounds," and take the time to stitch me back together. 

I think usually people think I am dumb because I have trouble having conversations and I think before I get the chance to speak people have already judged me. This gives me anxiety, which I suffer from a great deal. You can always count on me to feel slightly out of place, even in my own skin. I'm usually really nervous around people, and hence the judgement that I am a bitch. Let me clear this one up, I am the most loving person if you get to know me. It doesn't take much for me to have your back no matter what. When I care about people I would do anything in my power to make sure they are happy and safe. Forming relationships is a very difficult task for me, I have a lot of trouble being open and I have a lot of trouble accurately translating the inside to the out. I hate that about myself, I want nothing more than for people to know me, and connect with me. 

This all just scrapes the top of the iceberg but at least you have some sort of clarity, if you wanted it.... If you want more, from me, or anyone just take a second to ask... how.. are... YOU?? and listen...

Eyes that do not cry, do not see.

I love you

Ashley